Age of Innocence

Age of Innocence

It is an age when really we are innocent. Is it innocence or confusion? Well, you can term it in either ways. It is at this time when you try to search for answers to all questions. Questions which seemed to be naive if it is a child asking it and questions which you are never answered when you ask. But beware of the answers. All answers might seem to be confusing to you, because it is never answered properly. It is always ambiguous. It is ambiguous because you are not supposed to ask. In the process of seeking answers to your question you try to open yet another pandora’s box. We all have been through this phase of our life. This is an age when our mind is crowded with all types unanswered questions. It is at this time when we need our parents the most; however we feel the most insecure around them. Insecure because we are always told that it is not the right age to talk about such things. You will be told about it when the time comes.

We all wait for the right time for the right answers. But Jeslin was different. She was one such girl who got answers to all her questions; way before she even reached her age of innocence. Jeslin was just a 7 year old girl when she saw her mother giving tuitions to students who came from her neighbourhood. They were all 14-15 years old boys and girls. She loved to see them. They were just like her older brothers and sisters. She loved Fred the best. He always gave her a chocolate when tuitions came to an end. He was the best person she had ever met. Jeslin liked the fact that Fred always preferred her over anyone. She was called cute by everyone. He even took her to his house where his sister and parents gave her favourite sweets to her. Everyone called her cute and told her how beautiful she was. Some pulled her cheek while some gave her a peck. She hated when someone kissed her on the cheek. No matter who it was. But she liked to be the center of attraction. So she didn’t mind being kissed as long as people pampered her with chocolates. Fred too pampered her. But one day he didn’t just pull her cheek or kissed her on the cheek. He kissed her the way adults do. He replicated what he had seen on his favourite English movie. He just wanted to feel how it feels to kiss a girl. Just a month ago he heard his friend describe about a girl’s breasts. He heard his friend talking about his girlfriend. Suddenly everything about a girl seemed to be different to Fred. Earlier girls were just irritating human being that God created on earth. People say that God is just perfect. Whatever he does is always right. He can never really go wrong. But Fred always felt that God has made a mistake by creating a girl. He shouldn’t have ever taken a bone from Adam’s chest and placed it in Eve’s body. There would never have been any girl on this earth. Not even his sister with whom he always had to fight for everything. The girls in his class; he just hated them. They weren’t just girls but super humans who were always preferred by all teachers. Teachers would trust them more than any boy. Not just in class, it is always said ‘Ladies First’. Why do they have to be given more importance? He never knew that. All this didn’t matter to him now. Now as his friend showed him a picture of a woman wearing almost nothing. He loved to see them. The other day he saw a picture of a man and a woman kissing. He felt different. He liked it now. Now he wanted to feel them too. He wanted to feel how it felt when you kiss a girl.

He saw Jeslin today, the small little girl, whom he liked to give chocolates. She was cute little princess he had ever seen. He took her to his house and gave her sweets his mother made. He liked to pull the cheek of this little girl. He even played with her and loved taking her everywhere he went. One day he gave her a peck on the cheek just like everyone does it. It was quite normal. The next day again he did the same thing. However, today, he did something different. He wanted to try out something different. As it is not wrong giving a peck on a small child’s cheek; so it definitely would not be wrong kissing her on her lips. At least he could feel what it is like. After tuitions he took Jeslin to his house. His teacher didn’t mind as Jeslin has been to his house many times. He took her to his house and gave her a chocolate. He gave her a peck on her cheek. Jeslin looked at him angrily and said she wanted to go home. Fred realised he had to do it. He kissed her on her lips real hard. Jeslin could not say anything or cry. She couldn’t understand what it was. She began to cry, but Fred just gave her another chocolate and said if she told this to anyone then her mother would beat her. She continued crying. Fred then said that it was their secret.  She didn’t understand him but thought he was right as she trusted him. Fred felt good and repeated this every day. All he had to do was give a chocolate.  After few days it was his exams. He wanted to concentrate on his exams. He cleared his exams and for vacation he went to his native place. The little Jeslin too stopped seeing Fred now. She knew that there was something different when Fred took her to his house and kissed her. He always told her that it was their secret and one must not share secrets to anyone. She loved keeping secrets. She was proud to have a secret. She never told this to anyone. As days passed by and Jeslin forgot about Fred; however she remembered that she had a secret. A secret that she later on realised shouldn’t have been kept a secret. A secret which she regretted that she didn’t realise what was happening to her.  When she actually reached an age when she could understand what it was all about, it was too late to complain. It was too late to even inform anyone. She wished she was told at the right time in a right manner what such things actually meant. She wished children too were taught what these things really mean. She wished that she was taught by her parents that danger lies not just outside but also within our close friends. It can come from anywhere and anytime.

Jeslin was always haunted by this one incident in her life. Since the day she realized what had actually happened to her, she never let herself forget the incident. It kept hounding her whenever she met any new person. She had lost trust in everyone. This feeling came along with guilt and shame too. At times she also felt that she had let Fred do everything. She felt she had given him her consent when he had tried kissing her. However at such times she consoled herself by thinking that if she was taught these things at the right age she would not have to go through something she was going through now! There were times in her school and college when she would not even interact with any boy in her class fearing that they would turn out to be another Fred.  Not just friends but Jeslin could never trust her uncles or her cousins. People around her often felt that she is arrogant and something was really wrong with her. Jeslin didn’t care about what people said, until she met Romit. Romit was her colleague at her office. They both had joined office at the same time. He was really nice to her. He always helped her whenever she needed him. Jeslin too liked him as friend, not just because he helped her but also for his caring behaviour. Once Jeslin had to stay back late at the office. She had to complete the project that was handed to her. By the time she left it was almost 10 pm. She knew that she would manage to get bus or taxi as it is Mumbai and in Mumbai you can travel anywhere at any time. However she was a bit worried about her safety. Every day you get to hear about some or the other rape case these days. You cannot trust anyone. As she was leaving she saw Romit sitting at the canteen alone. He seemed to be waiting there since a long time. Though Jeslin was running late, she thought of asking him the reason.

 As soon as he saw her, he said, “Did you finish your work? Come let’s go home” 

Jeslin was a little confused. Why was he waiting for her? According to her he had left office two hours back. Still she asked, “What were you doing in this canteen till now when you had already finished your work two hours back?”

But he simply said, “Well, you know I stay alone and there is no point in reaching home early. There is no one at home waiting for me. So I thought of waiting for you. Moreover, our canteen has great food; therefore waiting for you wasn’t really a big problem for me.”

Jeslin was taken aback by his gesture. She wanted to thank him but she was a bit irritated by his concern. Except for her parents no one in her life had ever shown her this much concern. She was about to respond when Romit said, “Come on now, we are already very late. If we sit here talking then we will miss the last bus that is going to come in some time. And if we miss that then we will have to sit in this office till tomorrow morning.”

“Even if we miss the bus we can take taxi, so don’t worry.”,said Jeslin very casually. Romit did not say anything. All he wanted was to leave Jeslin home safely. Though he knew that it is quite normal for women in Mumbai to travel at night, he still felt that women are never safe anywhere in this world. Although Jeslin was a bit irritated by Romit’s concern, she was also touched by his caring nature. From then on they always travelled back home together whenever she got late. As time passed by, they became very good friends. With this friendship she felt that all these years whatever notions she had about boys and men in her life was wrong. After meeting a person like Romit she felt that there are still good people in this world. He helped her at any time she needed him without really expecting in return. At times she also felt that Romit was doing all this because he had some other intentions. However she dismissed all these doubts when she met his fiancé Aditi, who was from his native in Bangalore. They were in love since many years and were planning to get married once Romit got settled in his career. After completing a year in office, Romit and Aditi soon got married and got settled in Mumbai. They soon were blessed with a daughter and were living happily. Jeslin was really happy for them and always prayed for their good.

Almost six years had passed since Jeslin started working in the office. She was really happy with her work. These six years had changed her completely. She no longer thought about the incident of her childhood when she met new people. She was more confident person than she used to be. However, whenever her parents spoke to her about marriage she dismissed their talks by saying she was not still ready for that. Her parents were really worried about her future and wondered what would be the reason behind her refusal to get married that she never revealed to them. Jeslin knew that though she has now become more confident and independent in life, deep inside she is still not ready to get rid of the disgusting feeling when being physically touched by any man.

 Though Romit and Jeslin were not in the same department anymore they often met each other in the office. One day as usual Jeslin was again late for home. She had to complete the work before she left for her home. As she was leaving in a hurry she saw Romit sitting in the canteen having tea. She went up to him and said, “ Romit, why are you sitting here? It’s almost 10:30 now. Don’t you think you must be home by now?”

“I know it’s late. I just felt like sitting here for some time. I was actually about to leave after having tea.”, he said. Jeslin noticed that he was a bit tensed and thought of asking him the reason. But he soon said it was late and they must leave. She saw how he was still the same person when it came to her safety.

A week later, on a Sunday; Romit asked Jeslin to meet him at a restaurant. This was something unusual about Romit, Jeslin felt. Though they have met many times outside office, once Romit got married they never really planned to meet outside office as Romit was always busy on Sundays. They planned to meet at Sai Restaurant in Matunga. When Jeslin reached the restaurant, Romit was already waiting for her. She had expected Romit’s wife and daughter too, but it was only him. She went straight to the place where was sitting.

“It is great to see you on a Sunday at this place. Remember? Before you got married we often used to meet at this place ”, said Jeslin, “however now you have so many responsibilities that you don’t even to have time to  spend with this friend” she said teasing him. She thought he would say something, but he simply smiled at her. She understood that he is not in a mood. So she just asked about Aditi and his daughter Ananya.

“Aditi and Ananya have gone to Bangalore for few days.”

Jeslin didn’t quite understand. It was the month of July. There was no festival coming. Moreover Romit had told her that his daughter had just joined school. So why were they in Bangalore? She asked him her doubts. She also noticed that Romit was a bit tensed and saw that there were tears in his eyes. With great difficulty he said, “You know very well how much I love my daughter. Still I think I am not a good father. I feel I have failed in becoming a good father.”  Jeslin was really concerned now. He continued, “Three weeks back Aditi noticed that Ananya wasn’t talking to anyone nor did she go to play outside. She was not even eating food properly. She cried so much when we took her to school. She looked very scared whenever we said anything about going out. At first we thought it must be her new school and new environment that made her so quiet. But one day when other kids came to invite her to play she started crying so much that she refused to stop. After prodding her a little she told us something which shocked us.”

“There is a Kannada family, Mr Venkatesh and his wife Vanitha who live in our building. As we both families belong to the same community, we often visit each other’s house. I treat them as my elder brother and sister. They treat us with same love. I and Aditi often refer them as anna(elder brother) and akka (elder sister).They are very good people and help us whenever we need.  They have two sons Vijay and Rahul. Both of them are studying in school. They are very friendly with my Ananya. My daughter also likes to spend time in their house as they pamper her a lot. If we both want to go out and can’t take Ananya along we always prefer to leave her at their place. So one day Aditi had to go to an important meeting regarding her new business and I was also at office. Therefore I suggested her to leave Ananya at akka’s place as it would be safe there. She too agreed and left Ananya at their place. Both Akka and Anna were not at place. Only their elder son Vijay was there. As Ananya has no problem staying with Vijay she agreed to stay there with him.” Romit paused and sipped water and continued, “ Ananya said that as soon as my wife left they started watching something on his computer and Vijay gave her a chocolate to eat and he continued watching something on his computer that Ananya didn’t understand. As she was eating her favourite chocolate Vijay told her sit on his lap. She sat on his lap and continued eating chocolate. She could feel him rubbing her against him as she ate her chocolate. He started kissing her and even kissed her on lips. She pushed him off and started crying. She shouted at him telling him that she would tell everyone what he did to him. However he calmed her and gave chocolates and said sorry many times. He even told her that if she tells anyone about this, people will call her bad girl.” Romit couldn’t control and burst into tears. “She says she is a bad girl now as she told everything to us. Can you imagine? She is just five year old and she......” Jeslin was shocked and suddenly couldn’t believe at what she was hearing. She calmed Romit and he continued, “When I heard this I was so angry and immediately went to their house and slapped Vijay so many times that he confessed that it was true. His parents were also shocked and beat him many times. However they pleaded me not to inform the police. Or else they would not be able to face the society. I know Anna and Akka. They are very nice people. But I feel I being a father haven’t given justice to my daughter. Jeslin I don’t know what to do.”

Jeslin was really shocked not just by this whole incident but by what Romit did. Suddenly her childhood rushed back in her mind and she could perfectly understand what Ananya must have gone through and what she will be going through if this incident is simply suppressed. At least, Ananya as a small girl was able to understand that something really happened to her and told her parents at the right time; unlike her who took so many years to understand the abuse. Yes, Abuse is the right word to describe. It was not the innocence of the 14 year old boy who was trying to understand his adolescence. If his act is let off as an innocent small incident, then tomorrow Ananya will think that she was wrong and will become like her who could never bring herself to trust someone. With anger in her voice and with strong determination she told Romit, “Romit, I know that you are very close to this neighbour. But what that boy did to your daughter is totally unacceptable. He has abused your child not just physically but mentally too. If you don’t let the law punish him, tomorrow your daughter will never tell anything to you even if something worse happens to her. The boy Vijay, today he molested your little child. If you forgive him now then who knows tomorrow what he might turn into a pervert who can’t even understand the difference between a small girl and a woman? He knows very well that all he has to do is plead for forgiveness and go about with his pervert activities. Do not let that boy go off with just a slap. He should be punished for what he did to your daughter so that he will think twice before doing such disgusting thing to anyone else.” Jeslin noticed that Romit was convinced with what she said. She had let off one Fred in her life, but won’t spare this one. Romit thanked her for listening to him and supporting him. He now knew what to do. Relations are important but Vijay cannot be let off just because his parents were good. Romit left with strong determination and somewhat relieved.  

Jeslin was looking outside the window from her table at Cafe Coffee Day. She selected a side table near the window which had a beautiful view of a beautiful beach. As it was evening and a Sunday there were many people who had come to spend their Sunday at beach side. She could see small children who were playing with their parents. The parents too looked happy looking at their children learning new types games. There were teenage boys and girls playing badminton and there were another group of boys who were enjoying volleyball game. Jeslin looked at the scene and smiled along with them. She started wondering looking at the boys. She couldn’t help thinking how happy and innocent these school going boys and girls looked. Maybe they were indeed good and innocent too. Just because one or two persons like Fred and Vijay, everyone cannot be categorized as bad.

 Her thoughts wandered to the last one year that Romit and his family had been through. After talking to Jeslin he went and met Vijay’s parents. He explained to them his situation and though they pleaded he told them firmly about his decision about registering a complaint with the police. He did this because he really respected Mr Venkatesh and wanted to avoid any kind of emotional shock when they see the police. Though reluctant Mr Venkatesh was aware of what his son had done. He knew as a father it is his responsibility to correct his son. He himself took his son Vijay and handed him over to the police. Vijay was tried under juvenile law and was found guilty. He was punished by the court and was asked to spend a year at juvenile home. After Vijay was convicted, Mr Venkatesh sought for a transfer from Mumbai. They all went to Delhi as they could not face the society for what their son had done to a little girl. Romit brought back his wife and daughter. They took Ananya to a good child psychiatrist who counselled Ananya. She recovered completely. She is the same bubbly and talkative girl as she used to be. Jeslin convinced Romit to not suppress this issue. He should share his story to maximum people who are unaware about what their children are going through. Today Jeslin and Romit, both are a part of a foundation which helps teenagers understand their body and emotions. They even counsel parents to educate their children about these sexual changes right from childhood. They educate children to differentiate between a bad touch and good touch. With time Jeslin also felt if teenagers or children are educated about their sexuality at the right age, things could be different. By counselling other children she got an inner satisfaction that she was saving another child from getting abused or from becoming another abuser.

The Foundation in which Jeslin worked helped her to accept her childhood in a better manner. It helped her change her opinion about marriage, love and intimacy. She finally decided to give a thought to marriage. She agreed to her parents’ wish and decided to meet the man they had selected for her. She had many friends who were already married and have kids. She knew she is already in her late twenties. She always knew that she would marry a person who would respect her and her work even if it takes her to meet many prospectus grooms. The reason she was happy to get married was that she finally has reached a stage where she can accept a man in her life.  

 As she thought about all this, her thoughts were interrupted the voice young of a man,

“Hello Jeslin, I am Alex, sorry for being late, I was just caught up in the traffic.” Jeslin looked at him. He wasn’t really handsome as most girl would go looking for when it comes to marriage. He was tall, little dark and had a tummy too. Jeslin smiled back and said, “It’s alright. I had my thoughts as my company.”